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New Year Sunday Phlegm

So here we are, another fine mess for a brand new year…at least the recording is going well. Drum tracks absolutely over the top, killer…thank you Michael Urbano…stepping up to the mic after his performance is unbelievably daunting. It leaves me with this one, ever present, nagging thought: am I really any good at this? Are these songs I’ve managed to put together over the last year brilliant gems or just more trash, a creation of a deluded mind with an overamped imagination?  Fantasy? Illusions of grandeur or sadly, simply cheap, dime store delusions.  Just more mediocrity posing as genius or…or?

Stop.

I guess the good news is I don’t have to decide. I don’t really even have to consider any of this. If it’s shit, I suspect word will get back to me pronto. People love to rip others to shreds these days, especially anonymously…ah,  the wonders of social networking and posts with no names…posts with no names? Sounds like a song in there somewhere…The post with no name…maybe not.

If I were to have any New Year’s resolutions it would just be this one: finish the CD. It has become all consuming. And most likely I am boring even my best friends who have lived through my personal messes for years. I don’t want to update my website: http://www.rayosomusic.com, (shameless plug) until I have the new music ready. And I will need more video clips to upload, and I guess it would help if I knew how to actually maintain the damn website myself, which I don’t. Go Daddy says, “anyone can do it” , but that’s not true. So count, starting your own website as yet another personal mess I’ve stepped in. Anyone out there interested in a small side project?  Wait, I take it back…no offense fans but really, we hardly know each other…and, sad to admit this but other than the 2 real comments I’ve received on this blog, the rest are my own…how pathetic is that?

Reminded of the film Three Women.  My favorite  character is played by Shelly Duvall…Mildred “Millie” Lammoreaux, “I’m known for my chicken melts”. She keeps arranging these dinner parties and no one comes…just the kindest human being in the world and the world just dumps on her, and she never seems to notice.  She’d do anything for anyone, even Pinky, played by Sissy Spacek, and Millie stays so true to her character…obviously I’m not that character but I do wonder sometimes. Is it better to go thorough life in a dream state, seeing the good and believing that people have your best interest at heart? Or, seeing life for what it really is…the greed, self interest, the individual above all else, the bad smells, foot fungus, K Mart?

Maybe I am like Millie. I’ve been told I live in a fantasy world by many, many times over. Those closest to me have told me this all my life! Like it’s something I didn’t know. My response? I just keep writing new stuff. Playing new songs salvaged from dreams, hopes, and the day to day… I keep living the world I’ve created, on my terms. You are all invited to join me. It’s not like it’s some kind of exclusive club. My chicken melts aren’t half bad either…look, when you live your life like a high wire act sometimes your going to eat dirt. A face first, head slamming mouthful of dirt. That’s what happens. When you live life on your terms you learn to deal with the criticisms, the judgments, the petty shit that creeps into the corners and cracks of your uncertainty but what’s the alternative? Do each of us actually believe we have this menu of choices in front of us. This menu to pick and chose our life? We don’t. And if you think I’m crazy for saying this I can only refer you back to the top of this post: yes, I do live in a fantasy world.

Cliched as it may seem, what we are offered in life are opportunities not choices. Are you gagging yet? Now, we can chose to not take advantage of a certain opportunity, but we have no control over how,  what, or when that opportunity is going to strike. Some of us are just plain lucky. That opportunity lassos you just at the right time and boom! You are The Edge. Boom! you are Drake…or, Boom! you are Vanilla Ice, or Jose Padilla. It works both ways…choosing to live in a bubble, not to take chances, not to dare to dream, severely limits your opportunities.  It’s just that simple. Of course the second you move beyond someone else’s  comfort level or bubble boundary watch out. At once you will become a moving target…just like poor Millie.

Fans, I love what I do.  Some mornings I wake up and love the song I wrote the day before. I believe it’s the best thing I have ever done. I finesse it. Add a lyric or two. Rearrange this, then that, record it, rewrite it again. Change a verse, add a bridge, ditch the bridge. That part is easy. At some point you have to play the damn song to someone. Then it starts. The self doubt. Uncertainty. Then if that’s not bad enough, you manage to get a gig and play this stuff to a room full of strangers. For those of you who have never performed on a stage before let me tell you this. You can hear what people are saying in the audience. Even over that Marshall stack…we hear you! We see you when you turn your back and walk to the bar…we see the glow of your phone reflected in your uninterested face…I’m ok with you going to the bar for another cocktail…hell get me one while your at it…the point is why do it? Why expose yourself to ridicule, wreck, and ruin? I guess it’s because we really do believe the fantasy. I believe the fantasy. Why else? Stardom? Fame? You may think this when you’re in your twenties, thirties, forties…a young believer. But at some point, lets say between forty and death,  you realize you never really had a choice, did you?

So, here it is. My last lung clearing, throat searing blast to another year gone! Adios 2011. Bienvenido 2012. Here’s to everyone’s’ health, happiness,  and the opportunity to dream big. The bigger the better! You have absolutely nothing to lose. Get out there on the dance floor and just dance!

And please, be on the look out for them opportunities, they have a habit of hitting you right upside the head so pay attention.

RV

Happy New Year Everyone.

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About My Personal Mess

Musician Songwriter

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